CHAPTER TWO -- THE JOURNEY BEGINS: LUST IN THE WANT ADS

MONOGAMY SUCKS, A SWINGER’S TALE, Part 1
By George Pappas, COPYRIGHT, 2010

Chapter 2: THE JOURNEY BEGINS: LUST IN THE WANT ADS

October 2

I am so horny tonight. It feels like come is pushing against the back of my eyeballs and threatening to drip out of my ears.

I haven’t been laid in more than a year since I dumped my former girlfriend Lani. At the time, it seemed like a good idea as she was driving me crazy with her whiny and clingy ways. I don’t how I stayed with her for six months. That is a long time for me, and honestly she really wasn’t all that much to look at -- a short and fat dumpy looking woman in her late twenties with a large nose marred by an ugly wart. If that wasn’t bad enough, she has two bratty kids that did their best to annoy me.

Still, it wasn’t all bad. Lani loved to fuck three or four times a night especially after snorting cocaine and I have to admit the sex was incredible. When she was high on coke, she became oblivious to everything but her cravings and desires. I was a just a hard cock along for the ride. I realized after a while that she used sex to mask deep emotional problems rooted in a neglected childhood and later abusive relationships with former boyfriends.

The more I pushed her away, the greater her sexual desire. Her sexual appetite bordered on addiction. Yet our strong physical connection wasn’t enough for her after a while. After five months of dating, she wanted to get married. I told her I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and she flipped out. She clung to our relationship with a needy desperation, and there’s nothing sexy about neediness. I don’t care what anyone says. I felt suffocated and I finally broke it off with her. Frankly, I miss the sex, but I don’t miss her clingy desperation and incessant whining.

Following our breakup, I hit the bars near my apartment in Long Beach’s Belmont Shore looking for sex. All I found was a hangover and a strong dose of sexual frustration. It has been the same most of my adult life. I have always been far too timid in the pursuit of women. I freeze up, and I still haven’t been able to completely shake off my shyness. In a bar setting, I am the guy a woman notices from across the room, but who almost never makes a move. I flirt with my eyes, but fail with weak small talk. This is my weakness. I have no gift of gab, and I need to get laid badly. This urge is starting to become an obsession with me. Almost every morning I wake up with a throbbing hard on and I have to jack off to get some kind of relief. It is getting worse. I haven’t been with a woman in so long I am starting to forget what it feels like. The porno movies don’t help. They give me a hungry sex fever that even masturbation can’t seem to quell. I tried to stop watching them, but I can’t resist. I guess jacking off to pornos is better than no sex life at all. Pathetic. That’s how I feel.

There has to be another way to meet women who just want to fuck. I usually meet women through work or through friends, but they all seem to want to entangle me in another frustrating relationship. I am so tired of all that bullshit. All I want is the sex of my dreams without the headache and stress. All I crave is no-strings fucking. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing excites me more than giving pleasure to a woman, and just exploring her desires and fantasies. However, I don’t want the same woman forever. That road unfortunately leads to boredom and unhappiness -- at least in my case. There has to be another more exciting sex life out there for me.

So earlier this afternoon, I bought an L.A. Express newspaper. It is one of those sex rags that are sold in old, rusty newspaper racks usually located in front of post offices or liquor stores. Typically, the cover of the news rack is so dirty that you can barely see what is in there except for a faded image of a scantily clad woman on the cover. I wanted to check out the nasty personal ads that were advertised on the front page of the rags. There are classifieds for everything from cars and apartments to computers and romance. Then there are the classifieds for sex, swinging in particular. I call them fuck ads. Sometimes fuck ads can be found in mainstream newspapers with the advertiser’s real intentions disguised in clever language. You just need to know how to read between the lines.

Mostly, though, sex ads are featured in swinger rags, alternative newspapers such as the Express or even the LA Weekly and now the Internet. The Express is crammed full of erotic ads soliciting 900 numbers and datelines. The headlines clamored for my sexual satisfaction with salacious invitations such as…

NAUGHTY NURSE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR ILLS...ASIAN BEAUTY SEEKS TO
TAKE YOU ON AN EASTERN ADVENTURE…TAKE A SIP OF HENNESEY AND FEEL HOW I GO DOWN…FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT, DANGEROUS CURVES AHEAD…TAWNY, NEW IN TOWN AND SHAVED…PLAYTIME IS OVER BOYS…LOOKING FOR SOME REAL MEN, CALL SUMMER…HOT LATINA IS YOUNG, NAÏVE AND EAGER TO PLEASE…DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF HOT CHOCOLATE? CALL TANISHA…

I realized finding these naughty women was one thing, but seducing them was something else. I needed to come up with a way to express my desires up front without offending the women I wanted to meet for sex.

After several glasses of wine, my sexual frustration got the best of me and I called almost every number in the magazine. Unfortunately, all I found were call girls. “In or out?” they would ask me. I thought it was obvious, but what they meant is should I go to their place or should they come to mine. It was strictly a money deal. The magazine was a front for prostitution. What a fucking let down. It was all fucking fake. I don’t want to have to pay for it as that takes all the fun out it for me. I want the person I fuck to WANT to be there. I don’t want our sex together to be her fucking job as most of us hate our jobs. Why should it be any different with call girls?

Even after all that, I still held out hope that the Express could be an effective sleazy vehicle to use for my initial foray into the tenuous world of casual sex. However, I decided I would have the horny women come to me. Later on that night, after I had sobered up a bit, I sent my own ad to the Express. A couple days later, I got myself a second phone line so no one -- not my family, friends or co-workers -- would know what I was up to. I could only imagine the embarrassment if someone I knew saw my ad and recognized my phone number. My friends and co-workers would tease me endlessly. My family wouldn’t understand and would worry something bad would happen to me. Discretion seems the better part of valor in this case. I also don’t want anyone to know how truly desperate I am. I can’t hold out much longer. I need to be inside of a woman again soon.

My ad went like this:

SEEKING HORNY WOMEN

Tall SWM 32 is seeking hot and wet horny women for erotic adventure. Age and race unimportant. Love to give pleasure to a woman. Love 69 and mutual satisfaction. Call Jake. 562 487-2023

My ad is hardly subtle and OK I lied about my age, but at least I am upfront about what I am looking for. Pussy with no hassle. Sex with no bullshit. But would it fly with the ladies?

October 11

My ad has been in the Express for a week now and there has been absolutely no response. It’s depressing. I am starting to have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Still, a part of me is also somewhat relieved. I really don’t know what I am going to do when someone calls. I am at war with my hormones. My need for pussy without strings is in conflict with my fear of rejection and my basically timid nature. I become extremely nervous when calling a woman I have met for a date. Yet this is different. This is a woman who I will be calling for sex. I will have to seduce her on the phone, and I am not sure if I really know what to say. I have overwhelming doubts that I can go through with this.

October 17

I ran my ad for a second week and finally got a response: Judy from Woodland Hills. She left her number on my answering machine and said she screened her calls because her ex-husband was harassing her. She sounded uptight and nervous. Her message didn’t exactly light a fire in me. I am hesitant to call her. I have thoughts of me fucking Judy and her husband stalking us and watching us have sex. Maybe even he is one of those psycho stalkers who will try to kill us out of jealousy. I read about them all the time in the news. Seems like dicey situation. So with some reluctance (and pangs of horny doubt) I decided not to call her back. I need sex not drama. I am hardly off to a swinging start.

October 18

Things didn’t improve much the next day. I received what amounted to the first bad review of my ad. It came from a woman who left a snotty and hostile message on my answering machine saying my ad would only attract “fat and ugly women.” Was she an advertiser of the magazine? Or maybe a slighted call girl feeling cheated out of a potential customer?
I have to admit her response has troubled me. Could she be right? Would I only find fat and ugly women? Was I wasting my time?